, and hear it. I couldn't explain it over the phone, so I told her to ask Dylan. "He's asleep," she said. "Well, wake him up," I said. I heard her call his name a couple of times; then she came back to the phone and said, "He's not okay. I need to call EMS." She promised to call back, but after what seemed a long time she hadn't. So I called the apartment. "Ginger, he's not okay," she said. "He's dead." Just like that--he's not okay, he's dead. We had some kind of conversation after that and then I hung up the phone and started to scream.Later I found out that while she waited for EMS Leila sat holding his cold hand and stroking his cold face and scolding him for leaving me. When the paramedics got there and confirmed that he was surely dead and had been for some time, she still tried to persuade them to try resuscitation. For months any time her hand felt cold she remembered that time holding Dylan's cold hand and stroking his cold face.
The Coroner's Office didn't think he meant to die. They called it an accidental overdose. He had a heart condition neither of us was aware of and, according to his best friend, whom I trust, heroin was a new drug to him. He just made a mistake.
I of course never saw him dead on my couch. When I did see him at the funeral home several days later, because we did not have him "prepared" for public viewing, his scalp had not been sewed up after autopsy. So they had a towel, golden in color, wrapped around his head. It fell about his face at angles, making him look like a pharaoh. He had a devilish little smile on his face that seemed to say, "I know something you don't, Mom." The undertaker assured me that he had not altered Dylan's face since he came from the Coroner's office, that that was in fact the expression he bore when he died. It figures. He always liked to have one over on his Mom.
I lived on the couch for months while I recovered from knee surgery.
I love him. I live.
4 comments:
Thank you for sharing your feelings and situation with us. Death no matter when it comes is easy to accept especially with those we love. You will always have him and those memories with you. Reflecting on the good moments do help at times. The First day of the end of your life seems to be a beginning or continuation for sharing with others. Peace and love be with you. Cyber hugs for the comment about the smile. I have seen those before too and like you I do believe they know something we do not. I know sharing these deep heartfelt moments must of been difficult. 23 Things does have us down many roads we never thought we would...experiences in our lives too.
I am so sorry about Dylan. It must be very hard. I will say a prayer for you.
You are a follower of my blog and I hope it gives you some joy or at least a little entertainment. I will check back with you.
Ginger, I don't even know what to say. I remember Dylan coming into the library after school or on a Saturday, with his cheeky little smile, so happy to see you. He was definitely *your* son, even in his youth having an anarchic view of the world. I can't believe he's not here and I can't imagine how you feel.
I don't know if anyone will read this one day. I understand ginger has joined my friend, Dylan in a place where there is no darkness. But, if anyone does read this, I have been holding this back for many years now, I still cannot believe I will never get the chance to see or speak to him ever again. We had a falling out the last time I was with him, I had tried many times to find him on social media, must have spent a year looking, I don't know for sure. It was sometime in 2012 when i found this post, my heart sank, I cried, I didn't want things to end the way they did and I cannot describe the feeling of despair I still feel to this day that I will never get the chance to tell him how sorry I was. He told me, "you will always be my dawg." It hurts so much when I think about that, many of the best moments of my life was with Dylan, I will always embrace and nurture those moments for the rest of my life. That devilish smile? Lmao! I know that smile! I am laughing right now, I knew that look on his face too. Dylan was an amazing person and the world is a colder and more lonely place now that he is gone. I just wish I had the chance to see him again, I hope I do someday when my time is up. I am feeling such sorrow right now, it is hard for me to write this. But, I just want the world to know that Dylan was more than just an amazing person, he always had that vibe about him that would lift your spirits. I miss him, I hope he is in a better place now, I love you my brother, you will always be my dawg too. Say hi to your mother for me I hope we can meet again someday. Peace be with you in heaven now and forever. - Zach
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